Scuba humor and a fun fundraiser

Thanks to ScubaBob for some dive humor:

Q.What Not To Say On A Dive Boat

A. "Can I keep this coral your anchor broke off?"
B. "Buddy? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?"
C. "Can someone lend me a computer, mine keeps flashing 'DECO VIOLATION'?"
D. "Does anyone else smell smoke?"
E. "What do I do with this bucket of vomit?"
F. "Is that your mask under my tank?"

Q. When Do You Need To Practice Better Buoyancy Control?

A. You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at the end of the dive.
B. You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult to walk on the bottom.
C. The only place you can hover is at the surface.
D. On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.
E. You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC.
F. You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged three.
G. You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight with your buddy.

Q. How Good Is Your Instructor?

You know more than your instructor when:
A. You have to lend him a weight so he can get under.
B. He keeps calling his scuba cylinder an 'oxygen tank'.
C. He fills out a dive log entry for every pool session.
D. He is a victim in your rescue course, and he isn't playing.
E. His new dive computer is a Palm Pilot.
F. You ask him about nitrox and he says he doesn't watch wrestling.
G. If you get hiccups underwater he tells you to hold your breath.
H. He tells you not to worry about your gauges, "YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF AIR!!"
I. He tells you to wear gloves so that the coral won't cut you as you drag yourself over the reef.
J. He tells you to use all your air underwater - "waste not - want not".

Q. Do You Know Your Buddy?

Does your buddy hate you if:
A. He gives you the "wait here" sign and you are still on the boat?
B. He "forgets" to close your dry suit zipper?
C. When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his snorkel?
D. When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his slate "I'll get you some" and swims off?
E. You give him the "OK" signal and he gives you the finger?
F. He spits in your mask for you, but you haven't taken it off yet?

Q. Is your buddy experienced if:

A. He asks, "which one of these thingies goes in my mouth"?
B. He offers to carry everyone's gear to the boat?
C. He thinks BC is a comic strip about cavemen?
D. He's upset when you tell him his dive computer doesn't run windows XP
E. He pees in his wetsuit BEFORE he gets in the water?
F. He argues that NITROX was a monster who battles Godzilla?
G. He says "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that "tingling feeling", then I know it's time to surface"?

Also check out ScubaBob's Duck Race, September 30 in at acquarium in downtown Houston "to support Ocean Conservation Organizations and the distribution of 1,000 educational videos to schools and youth organizations around the world."